Sunday, July 18, 2010
Great Wall of China
There are so many topics running through my head right now that I don't think I can really pick one to blog about, so I'm sorry if this is a little rough. Last night I was having a conversation with a friend, and for some reason the subject of trust came up. Something was said and I sort of had to back track a little to grasp the full weight of what they said. It amazed me how much one little sentence had so much fear, anger and insecurity woven through it. " You can't trust anyone". The thing that surprised me the most about it though, was how quickly I agreed with the sentiment. If you've ever met me, the first impression you'd get is probably "wow, this chick is loud!", and for the most part,that is very true. I love to talk with people, get their take on things, I love to hang out with large groups of people, I love to be social. You know want to know why?...There's safety in numbers.
If you're in a large group there's less of a chance of anyone getting too close. There's so much excitement,so much buzz that the individual gets lost. It's a comforting place for me. I can be among people I love, I get to have fun, but at the same time still hide. The question is why? Why do I feel like I have to hide? I'm a living oxymoron. I love getting close to people, hanging out, earning their trust, giving guidance, and support, but when it comes to letting people in myself, I'm tougher to break into than Fort Knox ( not that I've tried to break in, but I can imagine).
I've really tried thinking about why it is that it's so hard for me to trust people. I can honestly say there are only about 4 people that I can fully trust on this planet. But why? I've come up with a few theories, insecurity, self doubt, fear ( fear's a very big one). The way I see it, the more you let some one in, the more they have to hurt you with, the more some one knows you, the less you can hide, the less control you have over it all. The only thing I know for sure is this...I'm scared.
It's happened to me so many times, I slip up, let someone too close, and I end up burned. It's human nature, no body's perfect, and we cant be expected to completely understand every single other person on the planet. It's only reasonable that people will hurt you, by mistake or other wise. However my trust issues sometimes cross the boundary of mortality. I've found my self so many times not fully trusting God, or not trusting Him at all. It sounds crazy, I know ( trust me I hate my self sooo much when I catch my self doubting God), but I'm not always sure God's gonna come through, not because He can't but because for whatever reason He won't. It's all for my benefit, I completely comprehend that, His plans for my life are infinitely better for me than anything I could ever come up with, but I still find my self in that dark, hopeless hole many times wondering if He'll deliver.
I really don't know why I''m writing this, I guess it's my way of asking for help? Or maybe a way of offering hope to anyone out there that you're not alone, maybe it's a way of apologizing to anyone I might have pushed away. I'm sorry for anyone who's been hurt by me, I'm sorry for my attitude, I'm sorry if I've been rude, I'm sorry if I've been just plain weird. The only thing I can say right now is that I'm giving it up to God, and trying my best to trust Him ..,don't you just love irony?
******* if you guys could pray for me, that would be very much appreciated, I'm not gonna be able to pull through on my own,especially not with this <3 thanks
Posted by Monica at 2:31 PM