Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The past five months of my life have been completely unbelievable.
At the end of last year I ruined a friendship that was very near and dear to my heart. Honestly it was a messy fight with wrongs being done on both sides, but the bottom line is I messed up big time and regardless of who started it or whose fault it was I hurt a Sister in Christ, and because of that my life took a really bad turn.
After all the dust had settled on the floor, I felt like the whole church had taken sides on the matter ( looking back i realize that most of the church to this day still doesn't realize that this cataclysmic epic fight went on) , and I felt like I was left alone. I even felt like God had abandoned me choosing people who I felt had deeply wronged me instead. I felt like because of the fact that I messed up, He was punishing me, showing me that because I had failed He was going to take away all the blessings he had for me ( it wasn't so much that I simply failed, but rather the fact that at this point in my walk I should have know better than to mess up in the way I did . Around the same time I was asked to step down from a ministry that I truly loved, a ministry that was crucial in my plan to transition into a position that I had my heart set on for many years. All I saw around me was God rewarding people who had hurt me and others that I loved. I saw people who were suppose to love and carry out justice fall at the feet of the very people who were making my life a living hell, and to be honest I was pissed.
I felt so betrayed by God, how could He be punishing me when both parties where at fault? How is it that out of everyone involved I was the one being held responsible and suffering the consequences, when I didn't even start the whole ordeal?
This dysfunctional train of thought led me into some serious trouble. I soon started thinking "well if they can get away with their behavior and still be loved and supported by the rest of the church, while I'm here trying to do my best to live right yet still being punished, why the hell am I trying to follow the rules?"
This led to small decisions at first, like skipping Bible club meetings, then just skipping class in general to lying, stealing, cheating, drinking during school hours to one day finally smoking pot. All the while I had fallen back into my bulimia and become depressed, with each passing day I felt more worthless, abandoned and unlovable than the next.
I was soon consumed with thoughts like " I'm not good enough for God to Love anymore", " I'm not worthy for Him to do any big works through so what's the point of even trying?", " He's already chosen His favorites, I am no longer Daddy's little girl". I felt as if every single person He had placed in my life to Guide me was suddenly too busy to even acknowledge that I was falling apart. They were either too busy with their own lives, or didn't even notice anything wrong, or worse actually helping the people who I blamed for my misery. I was internally combusting and I couldn't let anyone know.
My best friend was handling the fight as best she could, I couldn't go and tell her I had made it worse, I was the one who had to protect her, and make sure she was alright through out all of this not the other way around. I knew that the second I told anyone at church the real story they wouldn't care about how I felt because I had gossiped and that was the only thing they would focus on.I felt like I would just be digging my own grave, no one would sympathize with a gossiper, when it comes to church everyone knows that's the worse sin ever! ( note the tone of sarcasm in my voice). So what did I do? I painted a great big smile on my face, and went on acting like my whole world wasn't falling apart. I felt trapped. Suffocated.
This story doesn't have some great resolution where I realize that my thinking had been flawed the entire time and that God would never turn His back away from me and leave me, because God it a God of Justice. It doesn't end like that because believe it or not, that knowledge was with me from the start. I know in my brain that God is a God of Justice and that He's not the One that leave we are,I know that I am not saved by works but for works, I know God has no favorites,and I know that He was always right there even during my time of rebellion,however my heart is a completely different story. I've come to realize that accepting God's grace is a very hard thing to do, something that I have not accomplished yet. I'm working on it, and I've stopped doing my rebellious acts, however I still have to deal with many of their consequences. I'm no where near being over this experience, and the wounds that it has created in my relationship with God are going to take a while to heal, but the reason I wanted to share this with you was to let you know that, you never really know. You never know what someone else is thinking, you never know the experiences another person has had, or their motive for acting in a certain way. All you can be sure of is that God is a God of Justice, and of Grace. He won't leave you and there is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you, even if it is against another one of His children.
Remember one thing, God stands outside of time. Every single mistake you have made, are making or will ever make He has seen, and yet with that Knowledge He still sacrificed His son for you, He still loved you yesterday, He still loves you today, and He will still Love you tomorrow. He will never walk away, hopefully you will do the same.
Posted by Monica at 5:38 PM