Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The past five months of my life have been completely unbelievable.
At the end of last year I ruined a friendship that was very near and dear to my heart. Honestly it was a messy fight with wrongs being done on both sides, but the bottom line is I messed up big time and regardless of who started it or whose fault it was I hurt a Sister in Christ, and because of that my life took a really bad turn.
After all the dust had settled on the floor, I felt like the whole church had taken sides on the matter ( looking back i realize that most of the church to this day still doesn't realize that this cataclysmic epic fight went on) , and I felt like I was left alone. I even felt like God had abandoned me choosing people who I felt had deeply wronged me instead. I felt like because of the fact that I messed up, He was punishing me, showing me that because I had failed He was going to take away all the blessings he had for me ( it wasn't so much that I simply failed, but rather the fact that at this point in my walk I should have know better than to mess up in the way I did . Around the same time I was asked to step down from a ministry that I truly loved, a ministry that was crucial in my plan to transition into a position that I had my heart set on for many years. All I saw around me was God rewarding people who had hurt me and others that I loved. I saw people who were suppose to love and carry out justice fall at the feet of the very people who were making my life a living hell, and to be honest I was pissed.
I felt so betrayed by God, how could He be punishing me when both parties where at fault? How is it that out of everyone involved I was the one being held responsible and suffering the consequences, when I didn't even start the whole ordeal?
This dysfunctional train of thought led me into some serious trouble. I soon started thinking "well if they can get away with their behavior and still be loved and supported by the rest of the church, while I'm here trying to do my best to live right yet still being punished, why the hell am I trying to follow the rules?"
This led to small decisions at first, like skipping Bible club meetings, then just skipping class in general to lying, stealing, cheating, drinking during school hours to one day finally smoking pot. All the while I had fallen back into my bulimia and become depressed, with each passing day I felt more worthless, abandoned and unlovable than the next.
I was soon consumed with thoughts like " I'm not good enough for God to Love anymore", " I'm not worthy for Him to do any big works through so what's the point of even trying?", " He's already chosen His favorites, I am no longer Daddy's little girl". I felt as if every single person He had placed in my life to Guide me was suddenly too busy to even acknowledge that I was falling apart. They were either too busy with their own lives, or didn't even notice anything wrong, or worse actually helping the people who I blamed for my misery. I was internally combusting and I couldn't let anyone know.
My best friend was handling the fight as best she could, I couldn't go and tell her I had made it worse, I was the one who had to protect her, and make sure she was alright through out all of this not the other way around. I knew that the second I told anyone at church the real story they wouldn't care about how I felt because I had gossiped and that was the only thing they would focus on.I felt like I would just be digging my own grave, no one would sympathize with a gossiper, when it comes to church everyone knows that's the worse sin ever! ( note the tone of sarcasm in my voice). So what did I do? I painted a great big smile on my face, and went on acting like my whole world wasn't falling apart. I felt trapped. Suffocated.
This story doesn't have some great resolution where I realize that my thinking had been flawed the entire time and that God would never turn His back away from me and leave me, because God it a God of Justice. It doesn't end like that because believe it or not, that knowledge was with me from the start. I know in my brain that God is a God of Justice and that He's not the One that leave we are,I know that I am not saved by works but for works, I know God has no favorites,and I know that He was always right there even during my time of rebellion,however my heart is a completely different story. I've come to realize that accepting God's grace is a very hard thing to do, something that I have not accomplished yet. I'm working on it, and I've stopped doing my rebellious acts, however I still have to deal with many of their consequences. I'm no where near being over this experience, and the wounds that it has created in my relationship with God are going to take a while to heal, but the reason I wanted to share this with you was to let you know that, you never really know. You never know what someone else is thinking, you never know the experiences another person has had, or their motive for acting in a certain way. All you can be sure of is that God is a God of Justice, and of Grace. He won't leave you and there is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you, even if it is against another one of His children.
Remember one thing, God stands outside of time. Every single mistake you have made, are making or will ever make He has seen, and yet with that Knowledge He still sacrificed His son for you, He still loved you yesterday, He still loves you today, and He will still Love you tomorrow. He will never walk away, hopefully you will do the same.
Posted by Monica at 5:38 PM
Monday, February 7, 2011
I came up with this analogy in my English class ( when I was totally paying attention to what I was suppose to be doing)so please bear with me...
okay, so we've all heard those feel good saying about giving God control, and how we need to handover the steering wheel of our life to God because we can't do it on our own right? Right. Yet with that beautiful nugget of truth running around, there are still so many people who are discouraged because they feel that even when then give control over to God, nothing seems to happen, or things still come out all twisted up. Is it God's fault then?...HAHA! no -.-. It's Ours.
SO many times we tell God to take control of our lives and call the shots, yet we don't mean it. Many people think that's what they do when they confess Jesus Christ to be their Lord and Savior, give God all of the control. Salvation is the first step, telling God "hey I believe in you and I acknowledge that I need you because I can't do it on my own". So pretty much with salvation, your simply letting God get into the car of your life. We then need to take or new found relationship with God a step further, and tell Him " hey, you know what? We've been hanging out for a while now, and I feel like I trust you enough to drive without crashing, so why don't you take the wheel?, I'm sure you'll do a way better job than me!". When we hand over the wheel it needs to be out of complete and total trust in God that He will help us and lead us the right path for us.
But WE need to be the ones to hand it over to God, He won't take it from us by force, it's not in His nature. It's when we spend time with Him and learn to truly trust Him and His plans that we are able to fully let go of the wheel and not be annoying backseat drivers anymore.
The point of this whole road trip analysis is that When you ask God to Help you, you need to really mean it, you need to ask Him without a plan B, or C. You can't be praying to God for help, when your flesh has already come up with a plan just in case "God doesn't come true" because in that way of thinking, you've already decided that you can't trust God, hence the plan B. Why would God Bless pride? especially Pride that is belittling His power? He wouldn't. He'd simply say " you aren't really asking for my help, so I won't give it to you". Not to say that He'll turn away from us, He'll simply let us do it on our own,the way deep down in our hearts we were already going to in the first place.
God loves you,never doubt that, but He won't impose His plans for your life on you, you need to sincerely want Him to work in you, it's the only when you've completely gotten rid of your way of thinking and all your plans A-Z that He'll do the great things He wants to do through you Honestly seek Him and trust Him and you'll be amazed and the wonders He( and He alone)can achieve on your Journey :)
Hope You Guys Have a Great Week!
Posted by Monica at 2:55 PM
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Gah! So I haven't posted in a while, my apologies for like my 3 readers lol :) I appreciate every single one of you
So much seems to have happened in such a minuscule amount of time, but I'm beginning to see that's usually how life works. There is no warning, no anticipatory period were you are allowed to gather your things together and run for the hills, it's usually in the midst of what you might label "perfection" that your life is turned completely upside down.
I have no great story to tell, no great moral lesson, simply words. My words, to share. Every day I learn more and more just how important my words are. While people usually focus mainly on people's actions ( which they are completely right in doing so) let us no forget or under estimate the power that words can have, not only the words themselves, but the tone, and mannerism in which they are presented. Be careful with what you say and how, it's surprising how something that seems so tiny and trivial can have such drastic effects on people and sometimes even the course of someone's life. ( yes it's a bit dramatic, but also very true)
Along with my words comes something else, my ability to listen. Not necessarily my ability to lend someone an ear when they need one ( even though contrary to popular belief I can shut up long enough to help someone who needs or wants it) but rather the ability to truly listen when words of advice are being uttered, even when I'm not the one they are being spoken to. Yes, I can see the weird implication that I go around eavesdropping into people's conversations seeking random words of wisdom, and yes I realize that, that probably wasn't the best way to put it, but maybe this will help. Keep an ear open, try to learn from those around you, those who have already traveled the path you're on now. The amount of mistakes you could avoid are truly astounding when you think about it, and when you lay you're stupid pride aside and head the council of people who know more than you, because guess what? They have that knowledge for a reason!
My last comment will be on how sometimes God makes no sense....at all! It seems that I find myself more and more questioning Him, not in the bad way, but rather in the way that goes a little something like..."why the heck do you like me so much?! You see all the stupid things I do on a daily basis, some that are even done on purpose or out of spite! Why would you bless me, and start me on the path to something that I've wanted all my life? Why the heck are You so awesome! ...GAH!"...something like that. God has a weird way of view people, and while I'm thankful for it every day of my life I just don't get it sometimes. And you want to know a secret?...That's ok. You won't always know what God's doing, actually you probably never know what He's doing until He's done, but that's part of the beauty of it. You learn to trust, even if you're like me and swore you'd never trust any one or anything. You learn and grow to accept and Love God for His ways, because let's face it, His way is the Only Way that will ever truly work. He's the only thing that will ever truly work, and it is knowing this that will enable you to start believing and trust in other people, in other ideas, and before you know it, your not who you once were, and because God was behind it, you'll have no idea how you got there. ;D
Posted by Monica at 9:04 PM
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
As I was flipping through my channels yesterday I accidentally stumbled upon this movie Lifetime was giving called "The 19th Wife". The movie takes place in a very secluded town in Utah where a group of very orthodox Mormons live, and the story starts off with a murder in the town and the wrongful imprisonment of a wife. I personally loved the movie because at the end the heroine finds the courage to leave, and take her daughter out of that horrible environment (frankly the entire concept of polygamy made me want to throw up, I honestly can understand how you could share your husband willingly with someone else, but anyways...). As I was watching the plot unfold before me there was a repeating theme I saw emerge. Whenever something about their faith was questioned, or debated the only answer any of the members of the sect could give was that " The prophet said it's that way, and the prophet is the voice of God". Look I'm ll for the gift of prophesy, and being used by God, but this was disgusting. These people believed every word that came out of this greedy, twisted, evil man's mouth, they accepted every sentence as the truth no questions asked! All I could do was think to myself how dumb could these people be? He's human for Pete's sake, his fallibleness was encoded in his DNA. Though God can restore you and make you whole, you do not in and of yourself become perfect. These people had such complete and total faith in someone who was only interested in benefiting and glorifying himself, and the last thing that was on his mind was these people's best interests,or God's Word.
The word faith is a funny paradox. When we think of someone's faith we think of what someone believes in, a fact or idea that some one holds to be completely true, but if we look at the definition of this wonderful word we don't quite find exactly what we expect to.The word faith ( as defined by dictionary.com) is a belief that is not based on proof, in other words it's something that you believe to be true, but have no way to completely prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
These people had faith in a man, and that was their ultimate down fall. They placed their entire world in the palms of a sinner ( we're all sinners, all imperfect, and all unworthy) who really couldn't do much but make things worse. Many times we put our faith in stupid things just as these poor souls did. We become deceived by the promise of perfection, or happiness, or wealth and we turn and run to the things that will let us down time after time. There are so many important decisions in life that a person has to make, each one difficult, each one with the power to alter your life forever. My question for you is where does your faith lie? Where do you run to when you need to make an important decision, where is it that you finally place your trust? Does it lie in an imperfect human(all humans are imperfect by the way, not one of us has the right to even consider the possibility that one day we might be able to get to a level near perfection),in possessions,in your relationships, in your self? While most of those things are great to be around, or even be a part of, none of it will ever lead you in the best direction for you.None of those things loves you enough to deny everything it has to see you be happy.
God is the one thing in this universe that you can always count on. He is the one constant thing that is always there. No matter how messed up you think your life is right now, or how much chaos has infiltrated your soul, He's always there. He's always there to pick up the pieces, He's always there to put you back together, He's always there with a super cool batman ban-aid to put on all your bumps and bruises (He also has the cool neon band-aids too). The point is that HE IS UNFAILING. He's God, He is the very definition of perfection.It only makes sense that you'd put your faith in the one thing you know will never let you down...right?
Posted by Monica at 2:19 PM
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
You know when you have those days where all you want to do is stay in bed and blast your music? It's not because you're tired, or sick you just don't feel well, emotionally, spiritually,and you just want to bury yourself so deep into your sheets that when you finally emerge on the other side, you're in a completely different place, away from you're worries, anxieties, doubts,fears and pretty much anything that will drain the life energy from you. Well that was how I felt this morning. =)
I'm not gonna complain in this post, I thought I might try something new. There are so many things in life that should make us want to cry, poverty, hatred, abandonment, disease, suffering and so many of the other horrors that are out there. While I might not be too happy with the direction in which my life is heading right now, I have no reason to complain, I have a home,cloths, food, friends, family, and my books, I have so much , while others have so little that it should be a crime. Think about all the things we take for granted in our lives; paved roads, cars/transportation,clean water,air conditioning,TV,radio,internet,pets,family, friends,the opportunity to worship freely, so many blessings, yet we still find time in our lives to complain. Why is that? Why is it that we can't just be satisfied with what we have? I'm seriously asking, because I myself don't know. I have so much, yet when one thing doesn't go according to my plans, I lose it. God will only tell you No, if He has something better for you right? well then why am I so bent on wanting what I want? Why am I worrying so much?
God doesn't need my help ( that's for sure), so why do I insist on constantly pointing out what I want? He already knows what I want, but most importantly He knows what I need. While for the time being it might be hard for me to move on, and deal with the situation at hand, my wounds will soon heal, and my heart will be again, that I'm about 85% certain of.=D
My question however is not if I'll be ok, but why do I want my way? Pride, and selfishness I'm sure are reasons, but I'm trying to look at it from a broader spectrum, why do human beings insist on trying to show God how to do His work? In what point in time did some ridiculous human decide they knew more than God? Honestly, our stupidity never ceases to amaze me! ( and I say that with all the Love in the world)If you have any theories, please share, I'd love to understand your take on this matter :)
Posted by Monica at 5:18 PM
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sometimes in life we have expectations, or rather hopes I should say. No matter how ridiculous it might seem to other people, you are set in your desires, your mind has been made up, and no matter how things might look like you know(hope) that everything will turn out ok in the end. Life however, being the beautiful force that it is, sometimes has plans of it's own. My question is how do you deal with the disappointment? How do you deal with the feeling you have every morning when you wake up that tells you " good job you've made the same mistake for the billionth time!" How do you find strength to stare that person, or situation in the eye every day and live through all the you're going through, how do you pretend that part of your dream hasn't come crumbling down, with you still inside? With God's help I suppose, but I know it won't be an instant thing, everyone will tell you the same thing, just take it one day at a time, it'll get better, but does it really? Or do you just simply become a better actor? Blah, I really don't like life sometimes
Posted by Monica at 3:33 PM
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz? There are five main characters, Dorthy, the Tinman, The Scarecrow, Toto, and the Cowardly Lion. Sitting in My speech class I found my self having a very strong connection with the latter of that list, as we started talking about speech topics the obvious big controversial issue came up. As we discussed them in class I was pretty good about defending my point of view in a biblical and loving way,until we got to the topic of gay marriage. Now I completely understand that is it unbiblical and it's wrong,but when asked who didn't agree with it, my hand stayed by my side and I let the opportunity to defend the Truth pass me by. When I had realized that the reason why my hand hadn't gone up was because I was scared of the reaction I would get from my classmates I started to cry. Not in front of the class of course that would have just made everything worse, but in the ladies room after class. Up to that point I was fairly confident that I had a pretty good grip on my faith,and that when called to I would be able to defend it, but I completely pulled a Peter! I don't know what I'm going to do,I feel like a failure and while I know I'm not expected to be perfect I should at least me able to do this. I'm scared. I don't know what I'll do next time I'm put in this position,I don't even think I can deal with a next time. I'm just venting rght now, I'm typing this on my itouch in the middle of my church's wenesday service (yes I should me paying attention but as you can tell from my story I can't think right today so...) I'm that out of it right now, I guess all I could ask is to be kept in your prayers, I'm pretty sure this won't be my last cowardly lion experience.
Posted by Monica at 5:26 PM