Welcome to your Journey

Every living body on this Earth is on a Journey. Whether it be a journey of self discovery, a journey to heal, a journey to success, or even just the journey of life, we are all striving for something. Welcome to my Journey, the journey of seeing what God wants for me and my life, and all the wonderful blessings and lessons He allows me to experience. I hope that this will help someone out there realize that they are are their own journey as well, and that God wants to be the Guide. Who could possibly be a better guide than the Loving God who created us?


Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Last night I was officially inducted into my school's chapter of the National Honor Society, and being the lovely nerd that I am, I was super excited! I knew it was an honor, and that their reputation was one of great prestige, and ranking, but I never understood the full force of the words that were being throne around me at all the meetings and rehearsals . Words like honor, service, dedication, opportunity, and a plethora of others. To me they were just pretty words that made us sound important, and special. However, as I sat there among my fellow inductees, the complete impact of these words crashed right into me. I was chosen to be in that club, because of the things that I have accomplished, and the work that I've done, I was directly where I was suppose to be, I just simply hadn't figured it out yet. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it could be used as a metaphor for Jesus Christ, and His love for us. This club was going to change the course of my life ( just like Jesus did), and I hadn't even figured it out until about 5 sec, before they called my name on stage!
Just like I was chosen for this honor, Christ chooses us to be His children, the only difference is that we don't have to do anything to be invited in. He paid the price for us, and our souls. We do not have to be perfect creatures to be accepted by God, if we did, then no one would be accepted. We are all selfish by nature, and though some people might be kinder or more generous in their nature, we have all messed up, we have all fallen short. God though, being the merciful, and gracious God that He is accepts just the way we are, imperfections and all. He invited us to be a part of His Honor society, to show service, character, scholarship, and leadership to a dying word. We are called to serve the people around us, at our church, at our job, at our school, even within the confines of our own home. We are called to scholarship, this is the pursuit of knowledge, we our called to grow in God, and grow in the knowledge that the only answer to your problems is a relationship with Jesus Christ. We are to become better, and to become images of Jesus. To be His light, and salt in this world, but all that comes from scholarship, and from the pursuit of Godly knowledge, and wisdom. We are also to show good character, this comes from loving people unconditionally, from not getting upset or defensive when someone hurts you, or from just having compassion and understanding when people need you.

The speech that impacted me most at the induction however was the speech of Leadership. It was the one in which I could relate to the most. Being the beautiful, bossy creature that I am leadership has always come easily to me. I'm not afraid to make decisions that need to be made, or to take charge when I need to, in fact on most days I love it! The speech given though wasn't simply focused on taking charge, and being the "boss", but it focused on the fact that with leadership comes sacrifice. Now in all my wisdom( which seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the day) I had never ever once considered the sacrifice portion of leadership. It's something that God has just recently began showing me, by various hurtful, and challenging trials ( each one was completely worth it just in case you were wondering :)). You know how people say " be careful what you wish for"? Well they really should be saying " be careful what you pray for". I had pretty much always understood that God had a leadership role for me somewhere down my life, and I had always rejoiced in the idea of God wanting me to be a leader, I thought it was the coolest thing ever. It's not to say that I'm no longer excited about it, because I am, if this is what God wants from me then obviously it's all going to work out, but I am no longer very excited about the road I have to take to get to that leadership position. A very wise person I know once said " the road to greatness isn't one I would wish on anybody, you don't get to be in God's favor without going down a tough road first". Not saying that I'm destined for greatness or anything, but I figured it applied to the leadership topic as well. When I first heard that statement I didn't pay any attention to it. I mean how could the road to God's favor not be great? Over the past few months however I've discovered that being a "leader" isn't always an easy thing, actually it's not an easy thing period. Being a leader means sacrificing your own wants, and desires, for the good of others, it might be people you love, and it might be total strangers, whom it might be doesn't matter, the sacrifice is still there. Being a leader means many times doing the jobs that no one else wants to do, it means finding courage in the face of trials, and lending your strength to others when they need it. It means that even if you feel emotionally , and physically drained you have to be above reproach, and make yourself available to those who need you. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I know this. I also know that I don't have even a portion of those characteristics, and that I'm going to have to learn them, and the only way we learn and grow is through trials. That's the part I'm not exactly thrilled with, I just experienced a few, and they weren't like anything I've had to deal with in the past. I guess I should be happy, I'm growing and the harder the trial is, the more God knows you can handle right? Only I'm not sure I can be that what God wants me to be. I see the amazing women around me, they're leaders, spiritual warriors, encourages, healers, women that are so strong and laugh in the way of adversity, and I wonder if I'll ever get there. I'm sure some day I'll be more spiritually mature, and be a good women of God, I'm just not sure I can live up to the standard they've left for me. Ask anybody that knows me, I hate disappointing people, I just don't think I can handle disappointing the women who practically raised me spiritually, I also don't know if I can handle the role of leadership God will want me to play some day(hopefully it'll be a small one). The beauty of all of it is that I know I can't do it. Not on my own anyways, I'm gonna need to lean on God all the way through to be successful, like I said I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, isn't that a great verse? Honestly it's the only thing that's kept me going the last couple of weeks, the power of God's word has never seen so strong to me, and I love it. I've not only been inducted into the National Honor Society, but I've been inducted into to God's Honor Society. I am learning things that will not only make me a better citizen, but a better christian, and help in my path to further God's kingdom. I just want to encourage anyone who might be reading this to never settle, always strive to do better, only stop when you've become perfect, honor God, and be the closest reflection of Him you can be, and if you've never been inducted to any honor society, know that God wants you in His, He has met all the criteria for you already, you simply have to accept your invitation <3

Monday, April 19, 2010

God's Planning

1 Corinthians 10:13 "But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."

This pass weekend was one of the most emotional weekends I've had in a while. Emotional in the sense that I felt and dealt with so many emotions that by the middle of it I just wanted to feel numb. I felt sad, betrayed, angry, confused, hurt, disrespected, taken advantage of, and unappreciated. I was also experiencing waves of understanding, compassion, happiness, optimism, relief, and a whole bunch of other confusion. I was a walking emotional roller coaster. Saturday night I found myself asking God (yet again), why the heck did it have to be me ( honestly my selfish nature is starting to annoy me), why did this have to occur to me, what had I done? when in truth I hadn't "done" anything, God was just trying to help His children grow.
The trial that God set before me wasn't a specifically challenging one, I mean it hurt, and played with my emotions, but if I were to take a step back, my steps were easily laid out for me. For the first time in a while I took that step back and looked at the bigger picture. I followed the simple step by step directions God had laid out for me and I dealt with it. The second I decided to do things His way, and not mine, the situation was completely turned around! I no longer cared about my own heart, or my own feelings , solely on the other person involved. I'm not going to say that it was ridiculously simple ( because it wasn't) but it was doable. He gave me a love and peace that I know could not have come from any where else. I was so angry, and hurt I honestly couldn't see straight, my vision blurred by the tears of hatred and pain, but all it took was me saying, God I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this in a Godly way,I still care about the person, but can I forget the hurt they caused? In that moment I felt God telling me to let it go, He would take care of it, the way He always had. He had a plan, and purpose I just needed to wait, and show the other person the love that I had for them. When all was said and done, this trial left me and the other person so much closer, it also taught me about the nature of relationships, the nature of people, but most importantly about how much human nature can change when your simply following God, and listening to Him. God will never allow us to have more than what we can handle, it sounds cliche I comprehend that, but it's the simple truth. God doesn't want to see us fail, He doesn't want to see us suffer, and drop the ball. He wants us to shine the way He knows we can, He wants to use our strengths, and teach us His way. If this weekend taught me anything it's that God runs on His own time, He doesn't do things when it's most convenient for us, but when it is most beneficial for us. Seek Him in absolutely anything you do, from school, to relationships, to friendships, to work. You want to succeed? Ask God to help, and guide you, it's the only way to truly be in God's will, and when your in God's will, everything will fall into place, and that thing you long for the most will find you.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Carpe Diem

Well hello! This afternoon, as I was doing my devo, I came upon one of the most powerful scripture God has given me in a while. "So they departed from the counsel, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for His death"- Acts 5:41

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I took a moment to fully understand what this verse meant. I put myself in the apostle's shoes, I thought about the horrific jail cell they must have stayed in, and the cruel torture they must have endured. I thought about what I would probably feel in that situation, and the fact that I complain about having to partake in legalized torture ( many know it as school ) everyday, I thought about some of the thoughts I have during the day, the resistance I sometimes give when it comes to spreading God's word at my school, and I felt like a huge failure. These men were beaten, harassed, kicked out of villages, and more, all for the sake of our Savior's name! They were not only put through horrendous situations , but they did it all with smiles on their faces. They felt LUCKY, worthy that they could be persecuted in the name of Jesus Christ, while I on the other hand get nervous when I even go to invite some one to church. I think about the zeal, the passion these men had for Him, and I stay in total awe. I know that they did not get to that point in their lives by their own doing, or understand, but the work that they allowed God to do in their life is simply inspiring!
I encourage every single person to reflect on this verse. What does this mean to you? How does this make you feel? How much more lucky are we, that we live in a nation that allows us to spread the Truth freely, and unpersecuted? Let us not waste the tremendous blessing the Lord has bestowed on us, lets use the advantages that we have to our fullest. The world won't be around forever, neither will we be on this world forever. Carpe Diem, seize the day, don't waste another not giving Him the glory, honor, love and attention He deserves. Be the person He created you to be, and fulfill the purpose He's made you to have.

Monday, April 12, 2010


" so they said to Jeremiah 'Let the Lord be a true and faithful witness between us, if we do not do according to everything which the Lord your God sends us by you. Whether it is pleasing or displeasing , we will obey the voice of the Lord our God to whom we send you, that it may be well with us when we obey the voice of the Lord our God'"- Jeremiah 42:5-6

Never in a trillion years did I ever imagine that the mighty God of the universe would ever give me the testimony I have. Every single testimony is unique and precious in it's own right, I just never expected mines to be,well mine ,if that makes sense. I especially never expected to ever share this part. I was sitting in my 4th period pre-calculus class when i suddenly felt God telling me to become completely surrendered, this is ironic because this revelation came to me just before the lunch bell ( you'll get the irony later).

About 2-3 years ago my cousin decided she wanted to have a 15s cruise, I was extremely excited because I had never been on a cruise before, but at the same time I started to dread it. Cruises meant beaches, pools, tanning decks, which all meant swim suits. I've never been a slim person, I mean I'll have my health kicks and I'll lose some weight here and there, but I've never had the "perfect beach body". However for the cruise our entire family went on a diet frenzy for , all the weight watchers products were bought, gym memberships as well we all wanted to be cruise ready. This very fragile time in my life is when the devil decided he wanted to play, and he did, with my self esteem and my emotions mostly. While my entire family was slimming down for the big vacation, I was not. I tried everything, eating less, exercising more, but nothing gave me the immediate results I wanted. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, and seeing my family so healthy didn't help either. Now don't get me wrong I don't blame them at all, they were being healthy and getting fit the right way, I was the one who decided to make foolish choices. I got the idea from a friend. She had starting losing weight, and fast, I asked her what her secret was. She gave me her golden rule " throw up".

I had heard about bulimia before , I thought it was disgusting, and I had always heard that it was an unhealthy eating disorder, but to me, what I was contemplating , what I started to do, wasn't bulimia. I was simply getting rid of unwanted calories, I got the benefit of eating without gaining. That's how it started out...
I lost the weight i wanted for the cruise, I wasn't comfortable in the least, but I saw I looked better than I did before so i was some what content. It didn't stop there though ( does it ever?), I continued my disgusting behavior all summer, doing it less frequently when school started. It wasn't hard to keep it from my parents, I take showers with my music blasted, so it's not like I could be heard. It wasn't until the following year, at an Uth outreach that I decided to stop playing around and truly co-mitt my self to the Lord. I decided I wanted to stop and honor God with my body. Sounds easy doesn't it? Well turns out it's not so easy. There were times that I relapsed nasty, and had to force myself to literally stop walking into bathrooms. It was a mission after I ate, the want, it's so strong, I can only compare it to a druggie's need to use ( not that I know, I'm just guessing here). I had to lock myself in my room after I ate, and even then sometimes I wasn't strong enough. The thing that helped me the most was hearing testimonies similar than mine, and seeing all the strong women that battled their disorder the right way. That was another big thing, admitting that what I had was an eating disorder. I had told myself that it was only a part time thing, that I would stop in a month, and everything would go back to normal. I had been telling myself that for 2 years.
I unfortunately can't say that I had bulimia, it's a struggle that I still have to wrestle with today,through prayer, surrender through encouragement and through letting people in slowly, I've seemed to have gotten it under control. The last relapse I had was at the beginning of this year the week of my birthday and the one after.The feelings of abandonment and rejection came back, when my dad didn't call me for my birthday, the last time I had talked to him?I couldn't remembered even if I tried, and then other events just coincided, and I honestly forgot for a second that the God of the universe loves me, and that, that should always be enough. The thing that I've learned about my disorder is that it's a want to be in control, a want to be wanted, a want to feel beautiful and everything else I think I might want. I've also learned that I've used this sickness as a substitute to God. That fact makes me cry, and scares the waffles out of me. I tried to replace the agape loving God of the universe with a disease that isn't worthy of anybodies thoughts. It to me has always been disgusting, but it was something I became desensitized to in my quest for "beauty".
This blog is a way for me to grow, and cope. I'm sharing this because I felt God telling me it was time to break down all my walls, and surrender. If there is anything that you take from this please let it be that you are beautiful. God loves you so much, He made you in your mom's womb. He picked your wonderful eyes, awesome smile, beautiful nose, and cute ears! You were built the way you were for a reason, and there's nothing more to it. Don't buy into the lie that every girl needs to be 5o pounds, and all guys need to look like Hulk Hogan( he is SO not attractive). Be your beautiful self, if your naturally skinny embrace it, if you have beautiful curves celebrate them, if your tall thank God for always being able to go on the rides you want, if your vertically challenged thank God that you can wear heels and not look like you 8 ft tall. If your a guy and you think you need more muscles, you probably don't, quick tip, not every body likes muscles, if you have them great, maybe it's what your future wife is looking for, but they aren't for everyone.
All I'm trying to say is that God gave you the body you have for a reason. He carefully crafted us, don't diss His work!
The verse at the top of the page was my confirmation for this post. God is gonna ask us to do hard things sometimes, or put us in trials, whether it be being transparent, or getting over physical insecurities, He knows what He's doing. He only wants us to be happy, He already loves us unconditionally, what more could you ask for? What more could I possibly want than a God who no matter what I do, no matter how disgusting I am , will always love me.?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Weakling :D

Fun fact for all of you out there....I suck. I'm not trying to throw my self a pity party or anything, I just honestly suck.

( 2nd Corinthians 12:9 " and He said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness") I am the type of person that the second there is a crisis I'm thinking of ways to patch the situation up. No matter whom the problem may belong, if I hear about it I always try to help. I've been like this ever since i can remember, I love being the problem solver, I love being able to help people when they're at their lowest and when they think they are at the bottom of a dark pit. Don't get me wrong i hate having to see people in those positions, I'm a very empathetic person, so usually they're emotions affect my own, and apart from that I hate seeing people suffer. However there is nothing that I love more than when God puts me in someone's life to be their shoulder to lean on ( well cry on usually)

Even though I love helping people it can get a little tricky when I mix business with pleasure, because I sometimes spend a good amount of time with whom ever I might be helping, friendships naturally form. Which is not really surprising because I'm the type of person who could make friends with a rock or tree. At the time that the friendship starts, me and that person talk relatively often ( them experiencing a crisis and all), and when their trial passes we usually stop talking as frequently ( there is no longer any real need), and that's where my suckyness comes in (suckyness is not a real word by the way, so please excuse me). When that time period comes and I begin to talk less to that person, the devil starts talking to me more.

I start getting ideas such as " you were just being used" " your easily replaceable" " no one really needs you around" generic ludicrous thoughts like that. Now I know that these statements aren't true, I know that God made me for a purpose, I understand that there really isn't that constant need to talk to them anymore, and I also understand that I'm just way too sensitive and emotional for my own good. I'm a like a coconut, I have a tough exterior, and strong defense mechanisms, but on the inside I'm just pale mush. I put on a good face but I'm probably one of the most sensitive people you'll meet in your life, I'm just good at hiding it. I'll roll with your punches, and take your hits , but the second you turn around I'll start to cry.

I'm sorry for the tangent, but it's important for you to understand why attacks like this would cut me so deep. It's easy to say "oh, I know I'm worth it, and God made me special, to do specific work", but it's something completely different to believe in it with all you have. So when Godly business pops up, and i treat it as any other friendship, I'm the one that gets burn. The reason I'm sucky is because God has told me that I'm in that persons life for just a season, and I just say to myself I'm strong enough to deal with it, and then want to punch myself in the face when i realize (for the 333th time) that I'm definitely NOT strong enough. Reality check, NONE OF US ARE STRONG ENOUGH! It is only when we admit our weakness that we can do things through Christ. I think that has been the hardest part of my walk. Realizing and comprehending that I am NOT strong, nor do I have to be. For so long I've felt that I've had to be strong for my mom , or for my friends, but I'm slowly learning that it's ok to be weak. Being strong isn't some grand achievement I should be proud of. Maybe if I were still in the world it would be an admirable quality, but knowing the Truth, that trait isn't really one of benefit. If anything it's a characteristic that sets me back. :( So,I remind you again ,I suck, but when I'm in accordance to God's will, and when I'm relying on His strength, and not my imaginary strength, I'm not that bad. If your tired of being tired, or if you feel like you have the biggest burden on your shoulders, talk to God, ask Him to lend you some of His out of this world strength. Whether it be your life, your heart, church responsibilities, familial expectations, or whatever it may be, give it up to God, because fun fact #2 you can't do it on your own, if you try you won't succeed. So stop being hard headed and just surrender, trust me it gets easier when you finally do :)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Little Reminders

Acts 2:25 " For David said this concerning Him: ' I foresaw the Lord always before my face, for He is at my right hand , that i might not be shaken'" This morning as I was doing my devo I felt God really speaking to me through His word. I know that His word is meant to always speak to us, but I have been experiencing quite a dry spell lately. As I was reading the wonderful book of acts I found my self truly in the presence of the Lord, and all i could think was "Lord, why me"? I am certain that there are many other people out there way more qualified to do His work , why did He choose me? I'm rebellious, tenacious, i get frustrated easily, I'm not the best at taking orders, and i have an attitude. Why would God, a God of love, compassion, forgiveness, and patience want to work through me? I honestly couldn't understand, but then i remember something my youth group leader had said, "He chooses the weak, so that when true change emerges there is no one else to thank but Him", it was at that moment that i realized that i was the perfect candidate for what he wanted to do through me, I was so weak that if and when I ever did something right the only person to whom the glory would go to was Him

It isn't the easies
t thing for me to feel wanted or "chosen", my parents divorce made sure of that at a very early age. I never blamed my self for what happened, to me it was simply a cease to all the fighting, and crying ( I was three at the time) but the following 3-4 years did bring a time of questions. "why does mommy have to work so hard?', "where's daddy? i haven't seen him in a while". It was the last question which stuck with me the most. I only ever got to see my dad every so often, and I always felt it was my fault. He didn't want me anymore, that was the only reason i could come up with for him not being around. It's a lie that satan used to hurt my view of myself . Why he had to start at such a young age I'll probably never know. Eventually my mom remarried, a wonderful guy, a blessing in so many ways that none of us even realized at first. Unfortunately my dad decided he wanted to be " a part of my life"again , I'm sure he wanted only to cause strife, after all, that is his nature. He succeeded in many ways, but he never won, my step dad honestly couldn't be beat, his patience, his love, it's always been something I've marveled at. After a while my father relented, I assume he realized that he wasn't the one raising me, that he hadn't been for a while, so he backed off. It was a bitter-sweet thing, there was more peace in the house , and I got to really appreciate my step dad, well my dad for what he really is, but at the same time it also isolated my father. I didn't really miss having him around, I mean I love him, he's my father, but I didn't miss the constant worrying my mom always had around him, or all the "serious talks" he had with my dad( the other one), but I did miss the contact, the times when it was just me and him at the movies, or out for pizza. Eventually he stopped calling as often, and its now been about 8 months since I've talked to him, and all i know is that he's somewhere in New England ( i think). The thing that made me realized that it affected me more than I realize was when my birthday came and went, and i didn't receive a single phone call or card. The weird thing is that I know I won, i got my dad , he might not be biological but he's mine none the less. It's his fault if he doesn't want to know me, or if he doesn't care. At the end of the day it's his loss, not mine. It still hurts sometimes though.

I didn't really plan on sharing that part of my testimony, but hey, God leads right? Anyways what I'm trying to say is that God is our Father, yes we have parents on earth, but they only take care of us for a season, God takes care of us all the time, and if you have a personal relationship with him, all eternity as well. Maybe you have a strained relationship with one of your parents, or a parent who isn't there, never forget that God is there, and He wants to be our parent, He wrote the book on parenting. it's funny how He made us , to have a God shaped whole in our heart that only He can fill. I might not have the 'perfect parents" but i do have a Perfect God, and He will provide for me, like He has in the past ( my step dad for example), and I know all I have to do is trust in Him. So back to my original statement "why me?" ( i took a detour sorry ), my new response is now 'why not me?' I have the God of the universe on my side, for some unfathomable reason He chose me, He made me to have the Spiritual Gifts I'm suppose to have, He made me to do His work, who am I to question Him? I'm still sure that there are more qualified people out there, but I'm even more sure now that He wants me to go out and be me, go out and use my gifts to make people see the truth ( it terrifies me) but we go back to Acts 2:25, He is my right hand, so I wont be shaken.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

A Fresh Beginning

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ , he is a new creation ; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new"- 2 Corinthians 5:17
Every single person in this world has a past, something that when they look back at their life they are not proud of , rash decisions, blatant lies, comments that tore love ones to shreds, regrets about things that have been done, or even about things which have not been done. The point is that we have all screwed up, we have all been humans, we have all been imperfect. Our pasts however, is what shape us, our mistakes, our achievements, they all play their own significant role in the person that we are today. The important thought to realize though is that even though you're past might have shaped you, you are not your past. Imperfections are to be expected ( after all we are humans) but they are not to be obsessed upon. We are loved by an all powerful God, who loved us even before He knew us. psalms 139:13 says " For You have formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb". God CREATED YOU. The crazy part is not even the act of our carefully crafted creation (though that is amazing), no the crazy part is that God knew all that the wrongs, and rights we were going to do. He knew we were going to be imperfect creations but He created us anyways. He took it a step further and gave up His one and ONLY Son to save His imperfect creations. He sent The Perfect Son, to die for His imperfect creations. Mind Boggling isn't it? I guess the whole point of this first post is to encourage who ever might be reading this that yes we aren't perfect, yes we fail, and yes sometimes the worst side of us may come out, but there is a God out there who fashioned and formed us. He loves us, and is always waiting for us with open arms. Even when we mess up remember that through Christ Jesus we are made new. Yes our imperfect past will always be there but there is something even more impacting out there, and that's the Love and Forgiveness that our amazing God gives us. It truly is The Gift that keeps on giving, every morning we wake up He is there, waiting to spend time with us, ready to help us in our hectic lives, and ready to be the Guide He was meant to be. So i challenge you to stop looking back, and look to the future. This challenge is for myself as well, I've spent too long blaming myself for things, and focusing on all of the wrong I've done that I didn't realize all of the right i could be doing through Christ Jesus! Don't get me wrong it's good to self- reflect and to learn from your mistakes, but its a thin line between reflecting, and obsessing. Looking toward the Son is so much easier when you have your head looking forward, and not turned looking back. so look forward, and see how much more beautiful your line of vision becomes.