Acts 2:25 " For David said this concerning Him: ' I foresaw the Lord always before my face, for He is at my right hand , that i might not be shaken'" This morning as I was doing my devo I felt God really speaking to me through His word. I know that His word is meant to always speak to us, but I have been experiencing quite a dry spell lately. As I was reading the wonderful book of acts I found my self truly in the presence of the Lord, and all i could think was "Lord, why me"? I am certain that there are many other people out there way more qualified to do His work , why did He choose me? I'm rebellious, tenacious, i get frustrated easily, I'm not the best at taking orders, and i have an attitude. Why would God, a God of love, compassion, forgiveness, and patience want to work through me? I honestly couldn't understand, but then i remember something my youth group leader had said, "He chooses the weak, so that when true change emerges there is no one else to thank but Him", it was at that moment that i realized that i was the perfect candidate for what he wanted to do through me, I was so weak that if and when I ever did something right the only person to whom the glory would go to was Him
It isn't the easiest thing for me to feel wanted or "chosen", my parents divorce made sure of that at a very early age. I never blamed my self for what happened, to me it was simply a cease to all the fighting, and crying ( I was three at the time) but the following 3-4 years did bring a time of questions. "why does mommy have to work so hard?', "where's daddy? i haven't seen him in a while". It was the last question which stuck with me the most. I only ever got to see my dad every so often, and I always felt it was my fault. He didn't want me anymore, that was the only reason i could come up with for him not being around. It's a lie that satan used to hurt my view of myself . Why he had to start at such a young age I'll probably never know. Eventually my mom remarried, a wonderful guy, a blessing in so many ways that none of us even realized at first. Unfortunately my dad decided he wanted to be " a part of my life"again , I'm sure he wanted only to cause strife, after all, that is his nature. He succeeded in many ways, but he never won, my step dad honestly couldn't be beat, his patience, his love, it's always been something I've marveled at. After a while my father relented, I assume he realized that he wasn't the one raising me, that he hadn't been for a while, so he backed off. It was a bitter-sweet thing, there was more peace in the house , and I got to really appreciate my step dad, well my dad for what he really is, but at the same time it also isolated my father. I didn't really miss having him around, I mean I love him, he's my father, but I didn't miss the constant worrying my mom always had around him, or all the "serious talks" he had with my dad( the other one), but I did miss the contact, the times when it was just me and him at the movies, or out for pizza. Eventually he stopped calling as often, and its now been about 8 months since I've talked to him, and all i know is that he's somewhere in New England ( i think). The thing that made me realized that it affected me more than I realize was when my birthday came and went, and i didn't receive a single phone call or card. The weird thing is that I know I won, i got my dad , he might not be biological but he's mine none the less. It's his fault if he doesn't want to know me, or if he doesn't care. At the end of the day it's his loss, not mine. It still hurts sometimes though.
I didn't really plan on sharing that part of my testimony, but hey, God leads right? Anyways what I'm trying to say is that God is our Father, yes we have parents on earth, but they only take care of us for a season, God takes care of us all the time, and if you have a personal relationship with him, all eternity as well. Maybe you have a strained relationship with one of your parents, or a parent who isn't there, never forget that God is there, and He wants to be our parent, He wrote the book on parenting. it's funny how He made us , to have a God shaped whole in our heart that only He can fill. I might not have the 'perfect parents" but i do have a Perfect God, and He will provide for me, like He has in the past ( my step dad for example), and I know all I have to do is trust in Him. So back to my original statement "why me?" ( i took a detour sorry ), my new response is now 'why not me?' I have the God of the universe on my side, for some unfathomable reason He chose me, He made me to have the Spiritual Gifts I'm suppose to have, He made me to do His work, who am I to question Him? I'm still sure that there are more qualified people out there, but I'm even more sure now that He wants me to go out and be me, go out and use my gifts to make people see the truth ( it terrifies me) but we go back to Acts 2:25, He is my right hand, so I wont be shaken.