Weakling :D

Fun fact for all of you out there....I suck. I'm not trying to throw my self a pity party or anything, I just honestly suck.

( 2nd Corinthians 12:9 " and He said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness") I am the type of person that the second there is a crisis I'm thinking of ways to patch the situation up. No matter whom the problem may belong, if I hear about it I always try to help. I've been like this ever since i can remember, I love being the problem solver, I love being able to help people when they're at their lowest and when they think they are at the bottom of a dark pit. Don't get me wrong i hate having to see people in those positions, I'm a very empathetic person, so usually they're emotions affect my own, and apart from that I hate seeing people suffer. However there is nothing that I love more than when God puts me in someone's life to be their shoulder to lean on ( well cry on usually)

Even though I love helping people it can get a little tricky when I mix business with pleasure, because I sometimes spend a good amount of time with whom ever I might be helping, friendships naturally form. Which is not really surprising because I'm the type of person who could make friends with a rock or tree. At the time that the friendship starts, me and that person talk relatively often ( them experiencing a crisis and all), and when their trial passes we usually stop talking as frequently ( there is no longer any real need), and that's where my suckyness comes in (suckyness is not a real word by the way, so please excuse me). When that time period comes and I begin to talk less to that person, the devil starts talking to me more.

I start getting ideas such as " you were just being used" " your easily replaceable" " no one really needs you around" generic ludicrous thoughts like that. Now I know that these statements aren't true, I know that God made me for a purpose, I understand that there really isn't that constant need to talk to them anymore, and I also understand that I'm just way too sensitive and emotional for my own good. I'm a like a coconut, I have a tough exterior, and strong defense mechanisms, but on the inside I'm just pale mush. I put on a good face but I'm probably one of the most sensitive people you'll meet in your life, I'm just good at hiding it. I'll roll with your punches, and take your hits , but the second you turn around I'll start to cry.

I'm sorry for the tangent, but it's important for you to understand why attacks like this would cut me so deep. It's easy to say "oh, I know I'm worth it, and God made me special, to do specific work", but it's something completely different to believe in it with all you have. So when Godly business pops up, and i treat it as any other friendship, I'm the one that gets burn. The reason I'm sucky is because God has told me that I'm in that persons life for just a season, and I just say to myself I'm strong enough to deal with it, and then want to punch myself in the face when i realize (for the 333th time) that I'm definitely NOT strong enough. Reality check, NONE OF US ARE STRONG ENOUGH! It is only when we admit our weakness that we can do things through Christ. I think that has been the hardest part of my walk. Realizing and comprehending that I am NOT strong, nor do I have to be. For so long I've felt that I've had to be strong for my mom , or for my friends, but I'm slowly learning that it's ok to be weak. Being strong isn't some grand achievement I should be proud of. Maybe if I were still in the world it would be an admirable quality, but knowing the Truth, that trait isn't really one of benefit. If anything it's a characteristic that sets me back. :( So,I remind you again ,I suck, but when I'm in accordance to God's will, and when I'm relying on His strength, and not my imaginary strength, I'm not that bad. If your tired of being tired, or if you feel like you have the biggest burden on your shoulders, talk to God, ask Him to lend you some of His out of this world strength. Whether it be your life, your heart, church responsibilities, familial expectations, or whatever it may be, give it up to God, because fun fact #2 you can't do it on your own, if you try you won't succeed. So stop being hard headed and just surrender, trust me it gets easier when you finally do :)