Thursday, August 12, 2010
Did you know that the night sky is beautiful? I didn't. It's a beautiful array of sparkles in darkness. The stars act as small reminders that even in scary, vast , empty, darkness there are moments of beauty and light. I know I said I wasn't going to post again for another week, but I just couldn't stay away.
I am currently spending a week with my cousins in beautiful St. Augustine, Florida. It's a beautiful place, but much of it is farm land, and highway, it's nothing like busy Miami. What I love most about coming here ( besides the family <3) is that you can actually see more than 5 stars in the night sky.
In the chaos of our lives we let so many things pass us by. We never have time to just look up at the stars. It's not that we do it on purpose,but with so many things on our plate, somethings end up just slipping through. When I left Miami last Sunday, I was a total wreck. Seriously my internal state was no where near healthy, or sane. I don't know if it was the devil attacking, or me just simply being ignorant, stubborn, and prideful, but I was losing my grip. I felt alone, betrayed, pressured, forgotten, worthless, under appreciated and so many other emotions that I felt as if I was drowning in my own thoughts. I felt my shell cracking, I felt as if at any moment I was going to be left exposed, and vulnerable, and if you're any where near as sensitive as I am, you know how much you need that shell to keep you running and functioning as normal as humanly possible. I was slacking in my alone time with God, my relationships with people were suffering, even the time I had dedicated to serving God was getting affected, and that's when I lost it. I was brought to a brink, and I fell over. I found myself in the bathroom throwing up, while a youth teaching was being given in the background. Yup, you read correctly, I relapsed, and at church of all places and at youth group no less. I had lost it...whatever it was.
Honestly, God is a Genius, His timing is seriously something to be appreciated. I had to take a summer class this year, making it impossible for me to go to my youth group's camp . It's something I look forward to every year, my time away from everything, my time to focus on nothing but God, and let Him work on me full time in super turbo mode. So you can imagine my devastation when I figured out that it just wasn't in the plans for me this year. It killed me, sitting at home watching all the videos, and photos being uploaded to facebook, knowing that my youth group was off having amazing encounters with God, making memories, growing closer to God, and in the process with each other, and I was missing it. My youth group is family for me, I've not only grown up with the kids, but the leaders also, I just couldn't wrap my mind around the reason why I was missing it; math. Now me and math have never had a very good relationship...ever, but now we were officially at war! It was even worse when everyone was back, and there were 165 constant reminders all around me of all the fun that was had with out me. It's selfish of me to feel this way, I know it is. There is a very big part of me that loves that it was such an awesome camp, that so many kids lives were touched, and that such an impact was reached, but then there's the other part that was hurt, the part that felt like there was a family reunion, and everyone but me was invited, let me just tell you it's not the best feeling.
There's a point to this huge tangent, I promise, you have to realize the stateI was in, in order to realize where my epiphany came from. I was lost in the darkness, in the fog of my every day life and routine, drowning in the black lagoon of my own thoughts and I couldn't see a single star in the night sky, not a single one.
When I got out of the car in St. Augustine, I felt a sense of relief. I don't know how to explain it perfectly, but I could just breathe better, I had no worries, no anxieties, no nothing, I was just a person who was about to spend a beautiful weekend away from everything. This week has given me a chance to reflect on everything around me, God didn't permit me to go to camp, because I wouldn't have been getting away from everything, I would have simply been surrounded by distractions, and worries, I wouldn't have had that time with Him. I also had tim to reflect on everything else I was struggling wwith without a constant distraction, but instead with a good look at the bigger picture. I gained understanding, compassion, forgiveness and so much more.He brought me to a place where in the middle of all the darkness, all the fog, all the distractions , I could see the stars, I could just sit and wonder at all the beautiful moments of joy, and light He had given me.
I know that at times we can feel as though we need to get away from everything to clear our heads, like we have to go to some remote part of the state to clear out the clutter found in our head, but that's not necessarily true. We simply need to get away from the world, not necessarily our surroundings, we can achieve the same experience in our own personal time with God, in the time where the only thing that matters is us and God, not our worries, or our fears. That's the meaning of being alone with God, that's how we fix things, we surrender and let Him lead the way. maybe you can't get away for a week, or even a weekend, but you can spare a few minutes to dedicate to the God of the universe who fashioned and formed you, and Loves you enough to let His Son die for you. Get alone with Him, clear your mind, focus on only what He has to say and nothing more, after all the only opinion that matters is His. Sit back, and look around, let Him guide you to a place where you have a perfect view of all the stars and nothing else.
" When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon, the stars, which You have ordained, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man, that You visit him?" -Psalm8:3-4
Posted by Monica at 6:29 PM