Exhausted. If any word can sum up perfectly the way that I've been feeling lately that would be it. I'm exhausted, and worn out, it sounds strange but I feel like I've aged an entire decade in a month. I can no longer recognize the person I was last year, or even really last month.God has revealed so much to me about my self in the past few weeks, things that I myself didn't even realize i struggled with, I've seen growth, but also failure, hope, but also despair. I haven't gone through a huge change, or extremely difficult trial, I'm just different. The small trials I've experience in the past few weeks have made me take a completely different path than the one I was previously on.
It's not a negative change, it's actually the smartest thing I've done in a while, and a change that need to be made. I've been rebellious, and prideful, selfish,and ungrateful. God blessed me with amazing gifts, and yet I ask for more, I was protected, yet I complained, I was set apart, yet I didn't appreciate it. The last month has shown me how completely trivial "high school" is, how unimportant the opinions of your so called "friends" are, and how much unimportance the world truly holds.I no longer care what is thought of me, I am who God created me to be, and no one else. I'm sorry if I don't meet your expectations, I'm sorry I'm not the person you specifically want me to be,but I am trying to be the person God wants me to be,I'm trying to be all I can be, for the kingdom, and glory of my Father, and frankly that's all that matters to me. I'm sick of the pointless drama, the hypocrisy and emotionally draining people I've had to deal with over the last two years. I'm saying goodbye to all of it, and embracing the beautiful, peaceful, and love filled light that is our wonderful Creator, and Father. There is no other way to live a worth while life.
I'm exhausted, and if I want to be the tool of light that I want to be,I need to stop and give it all up to Him, my heart,my hopes,my dreams,my fears,my wants,and my everything to Him, it's the only way it's gonna work.I found it a little funny that today of all days it started to rain.I know it might sound silly to some people, but I know the rain was God's little gift to me, He was telling me "Monica I know you're tired, I know your heart is polluted by all of the uncleanliness around you, but because you have surrendered yourself completely to Me, I will wash you clean, I will make you pure, and whole, I will make you a vessel of honor for My Kingdom (2tim2:20-21)."
I don't know who might be reading this, or what you might be going through, but surrender it to the Lord, no matter how minute, or how huge you might think your issues are, He wants to help us, He wants to solve them for us, He wants us to trust Him. He's waiting for you, all you have to do is pray, "Dear God, I need your help, and guidance with (insert problem here)". He's always there for us, we just have to turn to Him, and let Him wash us clean.