Never in a trillion years did I ever imagine that the mighty God of the universe would ever give me the testimony I have. Every single testimony is unique and precious in it's own right, I just never expected mines to be,well mine ,if that makes sense. I especially never expected to ever share this part. I was sitting in my 4th period pre-calculus class when i suddenly felt God telling me to become completely surrendered, this is ironic because this revelation came to me just before the lunch bell ( you'll get the irony later).
About 2-3 years ago my cousin decided she wanted to have a 15s cruise, I was extremely excited because I had never been on a cruise before, but at the same time I started to dread it. Cruises meant beaches, pools, tanning decks, which all meant swim suits. I've never been a slim person, I mean I'll have my health kicks and I'll lose some weight here and there, but I've never had the "perfect beach body". However for the cruise our entire family went on a diet frenzy for , all the weight watchers products were bought, gym memberships as well we all wanted to be cruise ready. This very fragile time in my life is when the devil decided he wanted to play, and he did, with my self esteem and my emotions mostly. While my entire family was slimming down for the big vacation, I was not. I tried everything, eating less, exercising more, but nothing gave me the immediate results I wanted. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, and seeing my family so healthy didn't help either. Now don't get me wrong I don't blame them at all, they were being healthy and getting fit the right way, I was the one who decided to make foolish choices. I got the idea from a friend. She had starting losing weight, and fast, I asked her what her secret was. She gave me her golden rule " throw up".
I had heard about bulimia before , I thought it was disgusting, and I had always heard that it was an unhealthy eating disorder, but to me, what I was contemplating , what I started to do, wasn't bulimia. I was simply getting rid of unwanted calories, I got the benefit of eating without gaining. That's how it started out... I lost the weight i wanted for the cruise, I wasn't comfortable in the least, but I saw I looked better than I did before so i was some what content. It didn't stop there though ( does it ever?), I continued my disgusting behavior all summer, doing it less frequently when school started. It wasn't hard to keep it from my parents, I take showers with my music blasted, so it'
s not like I could be heard. It wasn't until the following year, at an Uth outreach that I decided to stop playing around and truly co-mitt my self to the Lord. I decided I wanted to stop and honor God with my body. Sounds easy doesn't it? Well turns out it's not so easy. There were times that I relapsed nasty, and had to force myself to literally stop walking into bathrooms. It was a mission after I ate, the want, it's so strong, I can only compare it to a druggie's need to use ( not that I know, I'm just guessing here). I had to lock myself in my room after I ate, and even then sometimes I wasn't strong enough. The thing that helped me the most was hearing testimonies similar than mine, and seeing all the strong women that battled their disorder the right way. That was another big thing, admitting that what I had was an eating disorder. I had told myself that it was only a part time thing, that I would stop in a month, and everything would go back to normal. I had been telling myself that for 2 years.I unfortunately can't say that I had bulimia, it's a struggle that I still have to wrestle with today,through prayer, surrender through encouragement and through letting people in slowly, I've seemed to have gotten it under control. The last relapse I had was at the beginning of this year the week of my birthday and the one after.The feelings of abandonment and rejection came back, when my dad didn't call me for my birthday, the last time I had talked to him?I couldn't remembered even if I tried, and then other events just coincided, and I honestly forgot for a second that the God of the universe loves me, and that, that should always be enough. The thing that I've learned about my disorder is that it's a want to be in control, a want to be wanted, a want to feel beautiful and everything else I think I might want. I've also learned that I've used this sickness as a substitute to God. That fact makes me cry, and scares the waffles out of me. I tried to replace the agape loving God of the universe with a disease that isn't worthy of anybodies thoughts. It to me has always been disgusting, but it was something I became desensitized to in my quest for "beauty".
This blog is a way for me to grow, and cope. I'm sharing this because I felt God telling me it was time to break down all my walls, and surrender. If there is anything that you take from this please let it be that you are beautiful. God loves you so much, He made you in your mom's womb. He picked your wonderful eyes, awesome smile, beautiful nose, and cute ears! You were built the way you were for a reason, and there's nothing more to it. Don't buy into the lie that every girl needs to be 5o pounds, and all guys need to look like Hulk Hogan( he is SO not
attractive). Be your beautiful self, if your naturally skinny embrace it, if you have beautiful curves celebrate them, if your tall thank God for always being able to go on the rides you want, if your vertically challenged thank God that you can wear heels and not look like you 8 ft tall. If your a guy and you think you need more muscles, you probably don't, quick tip, not every body likes muscles, if you have them great, maybe it's what your future wife is looking for, but they aren't for everyone.All I'm trying to say is that God gave you the body you have for a reason. He carefully crafted us, don't diss His work! The verse at the top of the page was my confirmation for this post. God is gonna ask us to do hard things sometimes, or put us in trials, whether it be being transparent, or getting over physical insecurities, He knows what He's doing. He only wants us to be happy, He already loves us unconditionally, what more could you ask for? What more could I possibly want than a God who no matter what I do, no matter how disgusting I am , will always love me.?
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